January 1, 2021

It’s time for Florida to secede!

Florida has no virus lockdowns, no social justice riots, no Trump riots and no income tax. Things are so good here in Florida right now that it hurts.

That’s why it’s time to secede…just like Key West did in 1982. It’s obvious that secession is Florida’s destiny. And we’ll secede bi-lingually.

We Florida residents have long suffered “Florida Man” jokes and memes, insults and injuries, slings and arrows, and other abuses too numerous to enumerate!

Although the outrageous “Florida Man” lies have been based on true events (here are 60 such examples), the general ridicule by the rest of the world has world failed to appreciate the many benefits of living in Florida. No state income tax. Lots of sunshine. Law and order. Beaches. Hurricanes and gators to keep you on your toes. An unashamedly loud and kitschy culture. And so much more good stuff.

During the year 2020, Florida all of a sudden started looking pretty good to all those “cultured” northerners who think they’re better and smarter than us. They noticed that, unlike in their hometown hellholes, Florida has no virus lockdowns, no riots, no burning buildings, no crime-ridden “autonomous zones” declared where you live or work. But we do have nice weather and hundred of miles of beaches.

That’s why people are moving here at twice the rate they did before the 2008 financial crisis. Obviously, that’s not sustainable because we already have over 22 million people here. Why risk screwing that up with more people?

That’s why Florida must secede from the US. We are so different here, we just can’t bridge the divide anymore. Apart from the differences listed above, the vast majority of Florida residents live in places where you have to go north to get to “The South.” Miami is the capital of South America. Palm trees everywhere. It’s all obviously very un-American.

We are tanned, rested, ready and revolutionary! Just a couple of more beers and then we’ll be ready to build the wall.

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